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  1. #11
    reaper239's Avatar
    "Expelled From The Tower"

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    what do you think of this revision

    We vaulted the wall in quick succession, two at a time, until everyone made it over and Mouse and Devil dropped off the wall.

  2. #12
    Osiris's Avatar
    Ostentatious Legume

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    Quote Originally Posted by reaper239 View Post
    what do you think of this revision

    We vaulted the wall in quick succession, two at a time, until everyone made it over and Mouse and Devil dropped off the wall.
    It's far more succinct, and has more strength in it than the succession of names for the sake of filling space. Strive for elegant simplicity. It's like pushing a plate of food at someone who isn't hungry. If you want the reader to invest in the story it's often best to allow them to create a lot of details for themselves. I tend to go no further than hair and eye colour, sometimes the clothing, but more often than not I try to be as terse as possible with description, focusing more attention on the why as opposed to the what or how. If that makes sense. I'd love to see a complete polished version with formatting more becoming the written word--it's very difficult to format anything on here with any success. Still . . . looking forward to seeing more.
    joint-point-counter-joint

  3. #13
    Osiris's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by reaper239 View Post
    in the beginning it is established that it is being written by the character as a kind of tell all memoir regarding the fictional events in the story. the whole thing culminates in a grand news catching display that draws the attention of the nation but is never explained fully, and this (years after the event) is that explenation from the man behind the scenes. so it is kind of both a third person narrative and a personal diary rolled into one. it's told from his perspective, but like with the every man thing, sometimes he just tells the story a little differently. think about when you tell a story to your friends (well, maybe not you but, you know, normal people ) you don't always keep the same steady flow, your story shifts a bit the way you say a specific detail might change with re-tellings, but story telling is a fluid process. that's kind of where this is.

    regarding the paragraph you referenced, i wrote it (and several others like it) to convey a sense of time. i wanted to give the feeling of time actually passing as the actions take place, not just saying 'such and such happened' but giving the process, as someone of welsh's particular skill set and background might be apt to do. however, looking at it now, i see what you're talking about, the list of names can get tiring. gonna take a second look at some of those, see if i can convey time with wasting it.


    the average reader isn't supposed to be able to translate the georgian text, or even really follow the english bits, except to glean bits of information from them. again, i wanted to convey the passage of time, the georgian is written, and then you see a series of actions underneath it, and i was hoping that the reader would be able to marry the two, that the one accompanied the other.

    as for who it is intended to appeal to, just me. as i'm sure happens with any avid reader, i reached a point where i thought "i'd like to see this type of book, and i have an idea for a perfect story to fit there." so i started writing. this is so much better than when i first started writing. the first thing i tried to write was a resident evil fan fic back in highschool (throughout my highschool career) and the change from the first thing i wrote to when i finally put that to bed knowing that no amount of retro editing i ever did would see it published was astounding. by the time i was done with it i had reached a point of understanding that i had improved, was improving, and would continue to improve to a point far beyond what i had currently achieved, so i put it to bed (it is now gone forever since that computer was destroyed) and started a different work.
    I came across a copy of the first book that wrote when I was in junior high (grade nine) about a year ago, read it, and immediately wanted to stab myself in the face with a broken bottle because I had actually shown it to people. There is no amount of editing or drafting that I could do to that piece of shit to make it readable by anyone with more than a grade five education. It really is a beautiful thing to see the growth in yourself, at least it was for me. Applause for your efforts, sir.

    As for the rest of it, it's really all personal taste. If you're writing it for yourself then by all means carry on. I would still consider finding another way to convey the language barrier as it shows two things to the reader: a) you are able to make me understand that the character doesn't understand the language without pushing it on me in a way that makes me think that I should understand, and b) that you don't need to rely on anything but your ability to string the language together to make me understand. It shows confidence. But! that's just the editor in me speaking.

    As for the structure, I wouldn't be adverse to seeing a draft with a tighter perspective. You're doing well with the third person, falling into the diary aspect can be done so many other ways. Again, that's a personal choice. Switching perspectives can cause confusion with a reader (can, not saying is), and a confused reader is one more likely to put the book down, and go outside/online/to sleep.
    joint-point-counter-joint


 
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