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Alive Anonymous "A place for help on the season breaks."

Blog number 37. "I'm inspired by weird shit what can I say" Part 1

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Typical day in my house, the cupboards are bare, the fridge echoes from the depths of its being, as its empty again. In the window when I drive up I see two of my three children are staring at me with vacant expressions of the low blood sugar variety and complaints of "We're hungry and there's nothing to eat!" From the looks on the faces of the pair of them you’d think I never fed them until you notice that one of them is six foot five inches.

In my house, two of my three children are boys and one of them is a teenager so knowing these facts you will realize that we have no food, we never have food. Food has become a figment of my imagination, an expensive figment of my imagination. I sat down and tried to figure out how much it takes to feed my little family a year. I was horrified to find it takes roughly nine thousand dollars a year to feed my family. Yes I said 9,000 dollars that’s $860 dollars a month to put food on the table and that's not even going out once a week. I’m whining and I'll get back to my tale of excitement and discovery.

Like any faithful believer in the eventual coming of the Zombie apocalypse I always have my eye out for things I could scavenge to use after "Z" day arrives for trade and the keep the family alive and comfortable. It was during my last trek into the wilderness of my local supermarket that I discovered the greatest thing ever for trading in the coming zombie apocalypse, better then food, better then gold, better then fuel, better then ammo, even better then booze and drugs… I discovered toilet paper!

I was going down my list and the last thing I needed was toilet paper. I stood before the paper aisle and looked at the forty feet of butt paper goodness and realized how much the world will suck when the Zeds arrive and we've no paper for our intimate potty needs.

Can you imagine a world without TP? I can't bring my brain to the point of even considering how to live without my favorite roll in the bathroom with me. I shudder in horror to think of what I would have to use as an alternative on my delicate parts when I am forced to answer the call of nature and am without the most holy of paper products at this time of world upheaval.

Don’t laugh its true and you all know it. Anyone, who has ever been forced to use alterative roughage for TP will attest there, is nothing better than two ply Charmin with the lovely little quilts. There is plain toilet paper that’s cheap and white and rough as sandpaper. The expensive stuff is thick as a down comforter and four layers thick and scented for masking the more unpleasant aspects of normal human evacuation

Toilet paper is the corners stone of humanity, it’s what separates us from the animals. Nations and empires can rise and fall with whatever plague or monster the gods throw at us any given day of the week but if we have toilet paper we maintain our status as the most dominate life form on the planet.
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